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Dear Dr. Debbie,
This is my first child so I’m not experienced with the whole potty training thing. I’m starting to get questions and hints from the grandparents about our progress. He just turned two-years-old.
Are We Ready?
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Dear AWR,
Readiness depends on many factors and progress covers a range of skills and behaviors.
Body Awareness
Part of self-awareness in a baby’s first year or two of life is getting to know all his parts. You can help with this by providing the vocabulary for his anatomy and bodily functions. Naturally, we’re more comfortable naming his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose than his genitals because the functions of the latter are private. However, it is important to name the body parts that are involved in elimination.
The process of digestion begins in the mouth with chewing. Your baby is aware of tastes, textures, and temperatures of the various foods he takes in. Conversation, albeit mostly one-sided, reinforces his awareness of how different foods feel in his mouth. “This yogurt is creamy.” “The rice cakes are crunchy.” “The soup is too hot. Let’s blow it.”
You can help him with his awareness of a full stomach with comments to this effect when he loses interest in eating. Most of us are generally not paying much attention to what comes next since it can take from 24 to 72 hours for food to travel from the stomach through the intestines. (Alas, a belly ache, usually in the intestines, brings uncomfortable awareness that something is awry!) The final stage, peeing or pooping, is usually accompanied by signals to the brain of a full bladder or rectum. From very early in life, these moments might be accompanied by facial gestures to which you can add the appropriate words. (Many parents use “pee” and “poop” although it’s good to use “urine” and “feces” now and then.)
Increase your little one’s awareness by talking about what’s happening when urine or feces leave his body. The parts of the body concerned with elimination include the rectum and the anus for defecation, and for boys, the penis for urination. For a girl, the end of the urethra is simply called the urinary opening, and is located on the vulva just in front of the vaginal opening. If you use silly names or avoid naming the body’s private parts a child may not be able to tell you if there’s an irritation nor that someone has touched him in an abusive manner.
Obviously there’s a difference between public and private body parts, but your conversations about elimination can be accomplished without layers of embarrassment and shame. Our culture respects privacy for toileting, therefore diapering is also a private affair. You are teaching your child about privacy when you leave a room with him to change his diaper. It’s not shameful, it’s just respectful of others’ comfort.
Communication
With a working vocabulary about body parts and functions, and a positive attitude toward caring for one’s body, the two of you can better communicate about toileting.
Use picture books to open up the discussion about this milestone of independence.
*Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel
*Everyone Poops by Tarō Gomi
*Potty by Leslie Patricelli
*How to Pee by Todd Spector
*Diapers Are Not Forever by Elizabeth Verdick
*Time to Pee by Mo Willems
Use diaper changing time and bath time (which is often a time when elimination occurs) to comment on your child’s body and its functions. He’s listening to your attitude toward the topic as much as he’s absorbing the meaning of the words. So speak positively and listen respectfully. The things the body needs from food have been absorbed, helping him to see, to think, to move, and to grow. Germs also leave the body through this process. It’s the end of digestion and important for keeping healthy. Let him know when you (or other people who are close to him) need to use the toilet. Peeing and pooping in the toilet are simply what people do.
As he starts this journey, he’s going to need your full cooperation. He needs you to help him stay close to toilets. His clothes are in the way so you have to help with buttons or choose clothes he can remove by himself. He needs you to watch for patterns to know what times of the day he’s more likely to need a bathroom. You are supporting him as he pays attention to the feeling that comes before elimination happens, and as he controls the muscles in his body to successfully get to the toilet in time. You’ll teach him to wipe with the toilet paper and to wash his hands. (For a girl, show how to wipe from front to back to move germs away from the openings of the urethra and the vagina.)
There needs to be an open channel of communication between you on the topic of toileting!
Partnership
As with many things we help our children with, toilet learning requires parent-child teamwork. Your child should express interest in using a toilet and pride in his achievements. For your part, expect to plan your days around having easy access to bathrooms for at least a few months. Both of you may get frustrated with the process at times. If there’s too much frustration, set toilet learning aside for a few weeks before trying again (with his consent of course.)
There may be weeks, even months, of success, followed by an “accident”. Handle these with compassion and support. When you’re at home, show him where wet clothes should go and make his clean clothes easy for him to get to. When you go out, take along spare clothes for at least a year out of diapers so you’ll be ready for a quick change in case of mud, spilled food, or a toileting accident.
Motivation hits at different ages for different reasons so keep a close eye and ear on what’s important to your child. A typical one-year-old loves to imitate adults and older children. A two-year-old wants to be in charge of his body. A three-year-old wants to do things “by myself”. And a four-year-old is looking for peer approval and that means moving past anything associated with being a baby.
The key is to recognize and work with the motivation when it hits. Success will come when your partner is as invested as you are!
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.