Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our four-year-old easily gets upset at times when she feels she isn’t getting the same deal her sister is. For example, at a community event we got two snow cones that were large enough that I thought the girls could share one while my husband and I shared the other. I handed theirs to the six-year-old to hold. Younger sister whined, pleaded, and cried for a few minutes about having one of her own before finally accepting the idea of sharing with the older sister.
How do we avoid these scenes?
Embarrassed Again
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Dear E.A.,
Ahh, sharing issues between siblings. Having four siblings myself, I know a little bit about this. Especially when there is only two years’ difference in age.
Individual Identity
Siblings need to develop an individual identity which helps to set them apart from the other child or children in the family. This is very important for children close in age – with twins and other multiples being the extreme example.
Getting to know oneself can be supported through one-on-one time with a parent, time with a friend, and time alone. Time away from one’s sibling allows for a child to get in touch with her own preferences, interests, talents, and growing abilities. Parents can bring these out by planning outings for one child at a time, and or planning separate activities for each parent to do with one child at home, or at least for the two of them to be engaged in a solitary activity in separate areas.
Time with a friend is a little easier to arrange now that we are getting further away from Covid-19 fears. Work toward building up friendships such that playdates at your home and the friends’ homes are part of the weekly schedule. It’s convenient for all the parents if two friends are also siblings, but it’s worth the effort to find and support individual friendships that arise from your children’s classmates, in the neighborhood, or other connections. If one child attends a regularly scheduled out-of-school activity, in the arts, sports, or scouts, for example, this not only serves to boost individual identity but can be the basis for a friendship with another child who shares this interest.
Take note, as each child discovers them, of favorite colors, favorite foods, and what may be ever-changing lists of interests. You can highlight these aspects of individuality as you plan that most individual occasion: a child’s birthday party. (My older sister’s birthday falls on Halloween – about a month after my birthday. So it felt like our combined party – with pumpkin décor and guests coming in costumes – was only marginally about me!)
Consistent and Rightful Divisions
Maintain some personal space and private property between the siblings. If they share a bedroom, be sure to clearly designate which drawers, bins, sides of the closet, etc. belong to each child. This cuts down on transgressions and disputes about who is allowed to use which spaces and things. Shared items and spaces, such as a bin of markers being used at the kitchen table, belong in the moment to the child who is using them. The other child needs to ask for permission to share.
There will be plenty of opportunities when the siblings’ only choice is to share, for example taking turns to choose the song to sing together on a long car ride, so give them options to not have to share when there is a wide variety of alternatives.
This point is even more important when one child is hosting a playmate for a playdate. If the friends are building forts with sheets and couch cushions in the family room, the sibling should refrain from entering that space without permission from the occupants. Even if it’s just to retrieve a book. If the request to enter is denied, the parent on duty needs to enforce the family standard that that book and that space are temporarily unavailable. (You can establish this rule with a quick reminder before the playdate starts about declaring which room(s) of the house will be taken up for the time being.)
Hand-me downs help the family budget, but think about getting into a longer chain of older to younger children that consists of youngsters outside your immediate family. Consignment shops can similarly be part of your chain of previously worn clothes that come from and go to children in other families. In this way, the older child isn’t consistently seeing her former clothes being worn by her younger sister, nor is the younger sister frequently dressed in clothes she used to see being worn by the older one. Clothes, even if a child isn’t the one who puts them in her wardrobe herself, are part of self-expression and self-image.
Do You Even Know Who I Am?
Another annoyance of mine, besides having to share a birthday party, was being called by the wrong name. Of course it’s more likely to happen when a parent is stressed. Get in the habit of calling each child by her name when you speak to her. When you talk about the children, especially when they can overhear you, use their names and not “the girls” or “the children”. This will also prompt you to talk about them as separate individuals which is what they are.
What keepsakes are you collecting for each of your children? Family photos are great, but how about individual snapshots depicting Child A’s childhood and others that encapsulate Child B’s childhood? Indeed part of our personal identity is that we belong to a family, and it is endearing to see family resemblances that make it impossible to discern if this is Uncle Eli as a baby, or his first cousin Samuel. But wouldn’t it be nice if someone had taken the time to label (and date) each photo? In this digital age, it should be easy enough to have separate albums for each child as well as the family album. Or at least clearly caption each picture.
Having to share a snow cone now and then is more easily tolerated when individual identities are well-supported.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open 10 am to 5 pm with online reservations preferred or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.