Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have a three-year-old who spends two days a week with his grandmother (he’s her only grandchild) and three mornings at preschool. Although the pediatrician says his growth rate is just fine, he is a very picky eater at home. I know that his grandmother still spoon-feeds him but I’m also certain there is no such “babying” going on at preschool.
Should I insist that he feed himself (which would be more under my control at our house than when he’s with Granny) even though he has little interest in doing so?
Please Use Your Fork
—
Dear PUYF,
Age three has one foot holding fast to babyhood and the other marching off to independence. He should still be cuddling up on a parent’s (or grandparent’s) lap as much as he wants, but you should also try to give him all the time he needs to put on his own socks and shoes.
Spoon-feeding is helping him to enjoy the last moments of babyhood as he takes inevitable steps into childhood. No need to rush.
Appetite Control
Based on the doctor’s appraisal that the growth rate is fine, you needn’t add any stress to your family meal times. A healthy, active three-year-old will eat 1,000 to 1,400 calories per day. (That’s roughly half of what an adult needs.) He may be getting his quotient of calories at other tables.
Offer, but don’t force, simply prepared foods when the family gathers around to eat. Include some finger foods so there’s no drama about how the food should be eaten. The main course should be pleasant conversation that feeds everyone’s needs to reconnect with one another. Make this a time for sharing the day’s events and talking about what’s coming up. You could talk about the food, too – its colors, textures, smells – just so these will be familiar for when your child’s appetite accompanies him to the table.
It’s always best not to force food (nor to keep a hungry child waiting) but to allow him to notice and respond to his own appetite. A more active day may have your child more excited about the food in front of him as compared to a quiet day spent playing with puzzles or reading books with you. When his appetite is high, a child is more likely to try new foods and will certainly eat more of whatever is put in front of him.
Social Learning
It is very true that young children look to their peers for examples of what to do, including what and how much to eat. Preschool is an ideal setting for children to learn good eating habits, provided that the teachers are using food in this way. You might reassure yourself by asking the teacher how your son fares at the table among his classmates. In the company of his friends he may be enthusiastically comparing the shape each one’s teeth make when biting into a sandwich or the letters of the alphabet they can create when they bite pieces off of their pretzels.
Preschool teachers can go a long way to use food experiences to establish a foundation for lifelong wellbeing. Ask if there are curriculum goals for the students around nutrition. (If there aren’t, maybe a group of parents could organize themselves to support serving healthier options along with picture books and other activities, including classroom cooking, to promote making good food choices.) A class of three-year-olds, under the direction of a highly motivated and well-supported teacher, is sure to eagerly engage in these learning activities. You can extend this natural recipe for good eating by inviting a classmate over for a playdate that includes lunch or a hearty snack.
Grandparent Privileges
Your family is fortunate to have a loving grandparent as part of your child’s regular schedule. Again, since adequate nutrition does not seem to be at issue here, their rituals for eating are of no consequence. The quality of what he’s eating, and not the method of delivery, is what’s important.
At some point your son will decide that he no longer wants Granny to spoon-feed him. Similarly, snuggles on her lap will be less and less frequent. The day will come when he’ll be able to zip his own jacket, tie his own shoes, and pour his own juice. He will no doubt still love her, but his burgeoning independence will lessen his needs for Granny’s physical care. When she is no longer childcare but just someone to spend time with, there will be a natural yielding to your son’s need to spend time with his friends.
But for now, their loving relationship is good for everyone involved. The Berlin Aging Study analyzed research on grandparents who provided childcare on a regular basis. The results suggest that this special relationship benefits the grandparent’s health and mental health with “a positive effect on grandparents’ cognitive functioning, subjective well-being, and (lowered) risk of depression.”
Granny’s spoon-feeding is guaranteeing that your son’s diet is adequate. Their feeding routine is doing its job. By age four, the power of peer pressure will remove any last remaining traces of baby-like behaviors. Granny only needs to invite one of your son’s playmates to lunch to see this force of socialization at work. Babyish behavior is not tolerated by four-year-olds, and a four-year-old cares what his playmates think of him.
Until then, let it be.
Here’s a fitting ode to grandparents by Alex Haley (author of Roots: the Saga of an American Family), “Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.” A little of Granny’s stardust is being sprinkled over that spoon.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum. She will be presenting Zoom workshops for parents, on Mondays 7-9 pm, November 7: Effective Discipline Techniques, and November 14: “I Had it First!” Conflict Resolution for Young Children.
The museum is open with online reservations or call: 410-990-1993.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.