Dear Dr. Debbie,
I have two daughters, ages four and almost two. Is it normal for them to keep doing what I’ve just told them not to? Hearing checks out fine. Typical scenario: the four-year-old wants to paint, so we get that out and I remind her to keep everything on the newspaper that I put down on the table, or else I’ll put everything away. I tell the little one several times to leave it alone. Soon as I walk away she has paint on her face. I go to wash that off, telling her again that she’s not to touch anything on the table when Sissy is painting because she’s still little, and next thing I know the four-year-old deliberately paints the table – right at the edge of the newspaper.
What Did I Just Say About That?
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Dear WDIJSAT,
What a mess. This specific situation, and much of what goes on in a family with little ones, could have gone better with more focus on giving positive attention to both children, following up your words with actions, and above all, setting things up with developmentally appropriate expectations.
Keep It Positive
Verbal directions to a child need to be short and sweet. They should also be stated in the positive – what to do, not what not to do. She cannot easily process long descriptions of what you want her to do along with dire threats of what will happen if she doesn’t. Start with, “Let’s protect the table,” as you pass the four-year-old some newspaper to put down. “We’re going to make sure the paint stays on the newspaper,” as you put out the supplies.
Continue with your positive expectations of how she’s going to use the paint: “I can’t wait to see what your picture is going to look like!” If it’s not too distracting to the painter, you can continue to show positive attention to what she’s doing by commenting on the shapes, color choices, etc. Maybe share a few pointers about how to control the amount of paint she gets on the brush so it doesn’t drip where she doesn’t want it to. It’s also never to early to learn the lesson in the picture book Beautiful Oops! by Barney Saltzberg, which is that good ideas can come from “mistakes”.
Follow your artist’s lead in the conversation, including respectfully staying quiet if her head space is “in the zone” of her creative expression.
Be sure to give well-earned compliments for keeping the paint on the newspaper.
Actions Reflect the Words
One important tip I learned as a preschool teacher is to have a drying area ready for wet artwork as part of the setup process. Your instructions are about keeping the paint in a protected space, so likewise plan ahead with space for drying. This could be on the same table to prevent drips that could happen from having to carry the pictures somewhere else to dry.
If managing wet paint in the house is too challenging a task, think about setting it all up outside – on a picnic table or a deck that will get washed by the rain eventually.
Your words should be about what the painter needs to do. You are helping to make your words stick with actions that support her in keeping the paint in the right place.
Age Appropriate Expectations
It’s very normal for a toddler to want to imitate another child, so unless she’s napping when her sister wants to paint, go ahead and set up the painting station for both children at the same time.
You can keep tabs on normal stages of child development to have accurate expectations of your children’s intellectual and physical abilities at every stage. For example, the one-year-old, as you are aware, is much less coordinated than the four-year-old and therefore needs very close supervision to be careful with paint, especially indoors. An alternative “painting” activity for her to do is to use a wide and shallow container of water (less likely to be knocked over than a cup), a toddler paintbrush (wide handle and bristles) and some sheet cardboard. You can make a couple of free “canvases” if you cut the front and back off of a cereal box. The water will soak into the blank inside of the cardboard as evidence of her brushstrokes. Of course the water picture won’t last as long as a painted one does, but then again, toddlers enjoy art more for the experience than the outcome.
Typical behavior for a four-year-old includes testing boundaries. Painting over the edge of the newspaper, onto the table, is a perfect example. A large enough area and close supervision can help to pull her back into your clearly stated boundary of where to keep the paint.
“Listening” to what you want your children to do is much more achievable when you use simple, positive words, backed up with supportive actions, and within their developmental ability to comply.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
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