Dear Dr. Debbie,
I think it’s finally sinking in that my former friends – from high school, college, and work – and I have little in common now that I’m a SAHM with a seven-month-old. My husband is interested in the baby, of course, but wants to watch shows I don’t particularly enjoy or to fix things around the house when she’s sleeping.
Lonely in my Family
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Dear LimF,
First-time parenting is a huge adjustment, especially regarding maintaining friendships when the way you spend your days is tied so closely to your baby’s needs. This is a stage of life, however, that benefits greatly from all that a few close friends, and a pack of peers that are navigating the same stage, can provide.
Values and Priorities
You may have noticed that things that were once important to you – being up-to-date on world events and current fashions, having a home that is always ready with refreshments for drop-in visitors – take much less of your attention as compared to the astounding things your baby is able to do, and new challenges you face from one day to the next.
If your baby is perfecting her ability to cover ground with rolling, or getting up on all fours and rocking, or grabbing at your pants leg or the couch to pull herself to a standing position, you do all that you can to make sure she has a clear, carpeted space and nothing like a sharp-cornered glass coffee table laden with charcuterie to obstruct her.
Other new values and priorities dictate how your home is set up, where you go in the world, and how you spend your time. Late nights out and sleeping in don’t mesh well with your new parenting responsibilities of building a new human being from the ground up.
You are likely to find like-minded mommies interested in boosting their babies’ development when you attend music or gym classes for little ones and their accompanying grown-ups. Or you might join or start a stroller walking group or become a regular at the library story time for your daughter’s age group. Ethnic or religious identity may be an important part of your goals for family life, especially if there are opportunities that welcome babies.
Language development and other social skills naturally sharpen in any of these kinds of activities, especially when you see the same people regularly.
These are potentially your new friends – people who value what you value, and prioritize what you prioritize, at this time in your life.
Advice and Assistance
A friend is someone who easily understands what you need because she has, or has had, or can readily imagine having, similar needs. Who better to confide in when your short-term memory fails you on a regular basis due to sleep deprivation? The answer is a friend who knows what it’s like to go into the store for two items and come home with five but having forgotten one of the things you went to the store for in the first place.
La Leche League meetings are ideal for nursing moms for sharing tips and support whether it’s your first or your fifth nursing baby. Discussion topics often veer way beyond breastfeeding. The Annapolis Mothers of Multiples group gives members double, or triple, or more, reasons to make friends among others who truly understand the challenges and wonders of having more than one baby at once. They set up play groups, guest speakers, and twice-yearly consignment sales for clothes, toys, and baby equipment. Mocha Moms is an organization that focuses on sisterhood, support and service for mothers of color. Friendships form over discussion groups, family events, and service projects. There are also organizations set up to help adoptive parents through support groups that provide ongoing social connection among the families.
You may have bonded with other friends in the past through common roles and shared experiences as schoolmates, playmates, roommates, or workmates. But the friends you’re looking for now are mommates.
Fun Times Together
The abovementioned classes and clubs are great for getting you closer to that perk of friendship – having a good time together. Once you have “auditioned” a few, plan some fun times to share with your babies. Think of adventures in cooking in each other’s kitchen, stroller excursions around town, or braving a day trip to a museum or zoo. Check ahead to decide about strollers or backpacks. With a one-year-old and four-year-old each, my friend and I met up at her house in Severna Park for a well-planned trip to the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History. We managed the D.C. Metro and the big marble steps of the museum with one baby in a stroller (the two moms working together to lift it) and the lighter one in a backpack. The preschoolers were thrilled with the exhibits and the packed picnic lunches, and the little ones were just happy to be out with two happy mommies.
New Causes, New Friends
Another direction to go in for spending time with people who share what’s important to you is to find volunteer work that welcomes your contributions as well as your baby. Volunteering connects you to other people through accomplishing important work together. Chesapeake Children’s Museum is one such organization that is flexible enough to accommodate tasks around feedings and naps.
Check with other non-profits, political clubs, professional organizations, arts groups, and faith-based organizations to see how you might fit your needs for social connections with the group’s needs for volunteers. Often volunteers are retirees, some of whom may delight in forming a friendship with you and your little one. Your new friends might share your ideals if not your current family picture.
Your former friendships don’t have to disappear entirely. They might just need to take a back seat for a while. This is a time to reassess what friends are for.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.