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Dear Dr. Debbie,
My kindergartener has been friends with another boy in his class since the start of the school year. Lately he says the boy is being mean and is playing with other children instead of him. He, my son, keeps asking if I’ll make a playdate for him with his (former?) friend through the boy’s mother. I see her at school events but we haven’t been to each other’s home yet.
Should I?
—-
Dear S.I.,
Friendships can be challenging. But they’re also important.
Mom to Mom
Try to connect with the boy’s mother to see if she’s agreeable to meet up at a playground. This will require coordination between your schedules and other obligations, setting the stage for learning a bit about each other and your families, work responsiblities, etc. Playdates, without a parent along, work well when each parent gets comfortable with the other parent first. You are taking responsibility for her child, and she for yours, on an official playdate. You and she can chat to find common interests and, if all goes well, progress to future meet ups and eventually an actual drop off playdate.
As long as each child is in a fine mood, well-fed, well-rested, and not coming down with an illness, two classmates should be able to pass some playtime together enjoyably. Maybe you’ve observed how two children, close in age, can become instant friends on neutral turf such as at a playground or at the public library.
The natural attraction of one child to another, in the absence of the other children in the class, should work to make the actual playdate a success. Regular tradeoffs of playdates at each other’s home just might be all it takes to get this friendship back on track.
Professional Opinion
Some kindergarten teachers are keen observers of social behavior and work their magic to support friendships and to smooth over rough patches between friends. A quick chat with the teacher could give you insight into what has happened between your son and his former friend and or bring this early childhood professional in as an ally in the cause.
However, if this is not in this teacher’s wheelhouse, the school guidance counselor is another professional with access to the social-emotional lives of the students during the school day. Sometimes the counselor presents lessons to classes on topics including feelings and friendships. He or she may also be available to parents to address individual concerns, although, depending on their caseload, the dissolution of a friendship might not appear to be an urgent matter.
Live and Learn
It may be that the friendship is over. At least for now. The other boy may have discovered common interests or more compatible personalities in other classmates. Or your son may have inadvertently said or done something to turn him away. Misunderstandings happen between friends (and all close relationships!). The question is, can your son see his way through to repair and restore the friendship, or is it time for him to look around to find someone new to hang with?
Find some relatable picture books or early readers to prompt discussion between you and your son. A children’s librarian might be able to suggest more, but here are a few to get you started:
-The Squirrels Who Squabbled by Rachel Bright
-How to Be a Friend (A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them) by Laura Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
-My Best Friend, Sometimes by Naomi Danis
-The Little Book Of Friendship: The Best Way to Make a Friend Is to Be a Friend by Laurie Friedman and Zack Bush
-The Not-so-Friendly Friend by Christina Furnival
-Horace and Morris but Mostly Dolores by James Howe
-The Best Friends Book by Todd Parr
-Let’s Be Enemies by Janice May Udry
-I’ll Fix Anthony by Judith Viorst
-39 Uses for a Friend by Harriet Ziefert
Help your son use this chapter in his life as an opportunity to reflect and recover. There’s a lot to learn about having and being a good friend. True friendships are truly treasures.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Chesapeake Children’s Museum in participating in Healthy Anne Arundel Day with free activities at the museum on Sunday, April 7.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.