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Dear Dr. Debbie,
It really upsets me when I have to discipline my three-year-old. She will do what I or my husband have told her not to do. I don’t know what annoys me most – her disregard for our rules or my mother’s angry voice coming out of my mouth in response. The scene often ends with her crying.
Disappointed in Myself
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Dear D.i.M.,
An emotional reaction to a child’s misbehavior is certainly understandable. At this stage of her development, however, she is likely to repeatedly test whether your rules, and your reaction to her breaking them, will be reliable or erratic. She is still learning what can be counted on in her world.
Consistent Rules
You have told her that a certain behavior is not to be repeated – out of concern for her safety, out of concern for potential damage to property, or out of concern for someone else’s needs. These three categories are the basis for reasonable rules to set for young children.
There are good reasons for having these rules: young children often don’t see danger; they are not concerned about the cost of repairing or replacing things; nor are they much concerned with other people’s needs.
It is important to be clear and consistent with the rules you and your husband have determined are in everyone’s best interest. Try to remind your child of each rule before she breaks it, and help her to do the right thing instead. Close supervision helps. The more consistent you are, the quicker she will learn each rule.
My Mother’s Voice
Patterns of parenting behavior, for better or for worse, often pass from one generation to the next. It is good that you are aware that your “angry voice” has roots in your own childhood! This doesn’t mean that you are stuck with over-reacting to your daughter’s behavior.
Find a calmer voice with which to address the situation. Simply re-state the rule, “No jumping on the couch” and redirect the behavior, “Let’s take your pogo stick / tricycle/ beach ball outside for a while.”
Prevent a conflict over the rules by meeting her needs before misbehavior occurs. For example, there’s a rule about not jumping on the couch because it is dangerous (and potentially damaging to the couch). This rule is much easier for her to follow if your little one has had enough time each day for running, jumping, swinging, dancing, walking, and or kicking a ball around. She may also be craving attention from you – which she gets by breaking a known rule. So be sure that she gets enough positive attention from you each day, too. (Negative attention may have been a reliable pattern in your own early childhood.)
The Stress Response
The natural role of a parent is to protect her child. The expectation of a child is that she is safe with her mother. This attachment relationship, mutually craving closeness, according to Charles Darwin and many other theorists, has contributed to the survival of the human species.
When emotions are high, as when a mother is upset about her child’s behavior, an adrenaline rush puts the mother’s nervous system on alert. Her heart rate increases, her muscles tighten, including those in her throat, and thus her voice comes out as a growl or a shriek. This, quite naturally, triggers fear in the child, even to the point of tears. Darwin, in speaking about the connection between the brain – which perceives danger, and the heart – which responds with a more rapid pulse, noted that, “under any excitement there will be much mutual action and reaction between these, the two most important organs of the body”.
This is now known as Polyvagal Theory (with major contributions from Stephen Porges of the University of Maryland). The vagus nerve is responsible for heart rate, breathing, digestion, and mood. It carries signals back and forth to the brain during high emotions. To bypass the stress response to a child’s misbehavior, for both parent and child, it is necessary for the parent to maintain emotional calm. We call this “emotional regulation”. As she regulates her own emotions (perhaps with a cleansing breath and a reminder to herself that the rule breaker is only three-years-old), she is better able to co-regulate her child’s emotions.
Review your rules and routinely enforce them. Give lots of positive attention to your child in meeting her daily needs for exercise, loving attention, etc. Take steps to decrease your stress load so you can be the calm guide for your daughter’s best behavior.
She’s counting on you.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.