Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have a six-year-old and a four-year-old. Naturally the older child has had more life experiences and holds an advantage with many skills, but he’s often bossy with his sister. She idolizes him and lets him push her around. For example, she was coloring at the coffee table and he wanted to set up his Legos there. He told her to move and she did so instantly. Is there anything we can do to build her up so he doesn’t push her around so much? I’m concerned that this will affect how she expects to be treated by other people the rest of her life.
On The Sidelines
Dear OTS,
Naturally an older sibling is miles ahead with many abilities which can seem amazing to a younger sibling. A first-born child is also more likely to imitate his parents as models of behavior, since when he came into the family, they were the only other people in it. She, of course, has him to look up to and emulate since this seems more attainable than to be like her parents. Grown ups can drive, after all, and so much more.
Model Mentoring
Could it be that your older child’s treatment of his younger sibling is a reflection of your relationship with him? If you’re, well, bossy, this may be his only model of how to treat someone who has less experience and power.
Try to use your leadership role as parents to guide and support your son rather than just giving him directions to follow. For example, if he is in your way – as his sister was in the Legos scenario – take the time to explain your need and to brainstorm with him to find a way he can help you out. This acknowledges his ability to do so which is more respectful than just expecting him to do as you say. If he’s stumped, you can give him some suggestions. Be sure to show appreciation for his cooperation.
The act of mentoring involves a more capable and experienced person who uses every opportunity give an underling a chance to gain information and skills. Your expectation is that your son can learn new things so you take the time to teach him. Similarly, he can appreciate that he can use opportunities with his sister to impart knowledge and give her a chance to sharpen skills. You can point out these opportunities to him and support him to be successful with them so the sibling relationship can go in a new direction.
Character Over Capability
In your family, is more attention given to achievements than to acts of kindness? Children as young as toddlers have been observed to show empathy. This is when others’ feelings and needs take precedence over one’s own. Empathy is observed in such behaviors as helping, comforting, sharing objects, or just showing interest in what the other person is doing.
Draw attention to such acts of thoughtfulness – whether of one family member to another or between characters in a story. Your older child may be better at most things for many years yet. Skills such as reading or riding a two-wheeler tend to level off after a while such that both children will be equally capable at some point. If you wait too long to highlight how each child is a decent human being, rather than better or worse at this or that, the younger one may stay stuck in her thinking that in the skills that seem to matter, she will never be as good as her brother. Change that dynamic by applauding kindness – something that almost everyone can do.
Individuality
What are some ways your children are different from each other and ways that each of your children is unique in the world? Do they have favorite foods? Or favorite colors? Do they have peculiar interests? How are their daily rhythms and personalities different? What are their distinct perspectives on things? Try to spend time alone with each child so you can learn about their uniquenesses. This helps to build a self-image that is not limited to just a comparison to the sibling.
Your children are old enough to enjoy time away from the family at school and on play dates. These are opportunities to play with children who are not in your family and to be under the watchful eye of adult who is not your parent. The more time a child can spend away form siblings, the less opportunity there is for sibling hierarchy to affect how they see themselves and their role in a relationship with others. Time away from parents, with other adults, allows a child to be viewed and interacted with as an individual, too.
Help your younger child discover who she can be when she’s not in her brother’s shadow.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
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